just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
