The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
