he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
not ubering you a puppy
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
