he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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