i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
