Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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