she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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