Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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