cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Never joke about your clitoris.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
