i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
