Your face is a jimmy john
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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