I'm going to rape someone's good day.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
