and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
