Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
