Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so let's talk penis.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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