Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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