Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
