There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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