Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
All the doctor said was why
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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