Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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