The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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