he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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