my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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