I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
