you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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