bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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