I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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