how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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