she smelled like a LAN party
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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