I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
