I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
