I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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