Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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