So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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