you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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