i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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