Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
