found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
