i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
