Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
