So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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