Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
