The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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