What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
