for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
my poor anus
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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