Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you made out with another girl for some wings
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
