I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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