i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
