Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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