My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
