i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize