I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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