I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
