so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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