i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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