Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
