Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
